ask dr-robert: Help! I Am Obsessed With My Ex-Boyfriend.
Posted: Sunday, August 21, 2005
by dr-robert
Dr. Robert Saltzman, Ph.D.
Dr. Robert Saltzman, Ph.D. is a doctor of depth psychology, and psychotherapist in private practice in Todos Santos, Baja California, Mexico. Dr. Saltzman’s practice, dedicated to mental, emotional, and physical stability, personal growth, psychological wellness, philosophical awareness, and spiritual unfoldment, offers individual counseling and psychotherapy, couples counseling and psychotherapy, and family counseling and psychotherapy to the communities of Cabo San Lucas, La Paz, and Todos Santos, Baja California, but he receives and replies to e-mail questions from anyone, anywhere.
hi!
I do not wish to reveal my name. My problem is: I think I am starting to have a big obsession with my ex-boyfriend.
I met him in high school. The whole relationship lasted for about a week. He just came up and started talking to me out of the blue. The feelings I experienced with him were overwhelming. I was 18 years at the time. He broke up with me just as suddenly.
Today I am 24 and living with my new boyfriend. My ex, however managed to get into the same university as me. It is difficult to get into this program, so from this year on it is going to be only 24 people in my class. That means that I am going to see a lot of him for about 5 years into the future.
Lately I can not sleep, or eat the way I am supposed to in order to function.
He lives with his girlfriend. I am constantly online, writing his name through search engines. I don't know what I am looking for. I just want to know where he is, what he is doing. I think about him constantly, and it is pretty much destroying my life. It feels like I do not have control of my thoughts. They just appear and when this happens I can not make them stop. Usually then, I get online and stay there for hours at a time. My social life is suffering also.
I am to ashamed to go to someone locally, but I have realized that I need some help. I do not know what else to do? Can a person ever escape this? It seems to be automatic pattern, my whole life is revolving around this person. I am so tired of it. But at the same time, I can not stop. It is like a drug. I am grateful for any response.
dr-robert:
An obsession is a preoccupation with a fixed idea or an unwanted feeling or emotion. Obsessions often will be accompanied by symptoms of anxiety such as the trouble eating and sleeping you mention. So I would say that your preoccupation with your ex-boyfriend certainly qualifies as an obsession in the technical, psychological sense of that word. In addition, your unending need to keep checking for your ex-boyfriend's name online suggests that you are suffering not just from obsessive thoughts about this person, but that you exhibit also very clear and pronounced signs of compulsive behavior. To make this clear, obsessions are the unwanted thoughts, and compulsions are the unwanted behaviors. Together, these two make up what is called obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).
In order to meet the recognized diagnostic criteria for obsessive-compulsive disorder, two more features must be present:
1. At some point during the course of the disorder, the person (except in the case of a child) has recognized that the obsessions or compulsions are excessive or unreasonable.
2. The obsessions or compulsions cause marked distress, are time consuming (take more than one hour a day), or significantly interfere with the person's normal routine, occupational, or academic functioning, or usual social activities or relationships.
Judging from what you have written, these two features also seem to apply to your situation. Therefore, although it is always a bit risky to make a diagnosis without a personal interview, and I will refrain from doing so, I believe that you may be suffering from OCD, and that you should be evaluated by a psychologist as soon as possible.
Along with finding evidence for a genetic basis for OCD, the latest research has revealed that OCD is much more common than previously thought. An estimated two or three percent of the population is thought to have OCD or display OCD-like symptoms. Because of the personal nature of this condition and the stigma and embarrassment that surround it, there may be many unaccounted OCD sufferers, so that the above percentages could be even higher.
Although you imagine that your problem is simply your obsession with your ex, it is likely that the real problem is an inborn, genetic predisposition to obsessive-compulsive disorder. In other words, if your ex disappeared from the face of the Earth today, probably you soon would find yourself obsessing on something else, and find that you had developed compulsive behaviors related to the new obsession. Sometimes symptoms of OCD lessen without treatment, but usually OCD does require treatment. Although in most cases it is not dangerous to delay treatment, the personal costs of living with untreated OCD make going without proper treatment seem a poor choice.
In most cases of OCD (and please remember that I am not making a diagnosis in your case--you need a personal interview for that), I recommend medication (usually an SSRI such as Prosac or Zoloft), in combination with cognitive behavioral psychotherapy. With such a regime, the majority of OCD patients are able to function well in both their work and social lives. In other words, with proper treatment, the suffering you mention--your complaints that you cannot eat and sleep properly, that your obsessions and compulsions are ruining your social life, even that it feels as if your very life is being destroyed--will end, and you will feel normal again.
I recommend also that you learn the breath-centered meditation practice which I recommended in another ask the psychologist question. In fact, if you like, you might begin this practice even before consulting a psychologist. If you get enough relief from the meditation, perhaps you will not need further treatment at this time. But if, working with meditation on your own, you are not able to get control of your obsession and of your compulsive needs to keep checking up on your ex, you will certainly require the help of a trained, experienced professional.
You say that you are ashamed to go for help to someone locally, and that is why you have written to me. Believe me, I do understand that an interview with a psychologist may, at first, seem embarrassing. But this is true also of the physical examination necessary when one consults a medical doctor. However, when help is needed, it would be foolish to allow your feelings of shame to keep you from seeking it. I urge you to go beyond your reluctance, and consult an experienced psychologist as soon as possible.
Be well.
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copyright 2005 Dr. Robert Saltzman
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More commentsFunny as it may seem, I myself am extremely obsessed with people. Right now it's my ex-boyfriend. When we first started dating, I didn't seem t like him that much, but he said he was in love and all, which put me off a little bit, so I broke up a month later. However, as soon as I found myself alone, I asked him to get back together, which we ended up doing and we had an on-and-off relationship for 2 years till he got tired and dumped me. Now I'm obsessed with him, I call him like zillions of times, but it feels as if it's just a need for him to be there for me and not a genuine desire to be with him. Am I going nuts??
omg it's been 11 years for me and i know my thoughts are pathetic. it just started this past summer after finding a pic online of the ex's new family (wife and a kid) when they met up with my brother. i felt betrayed by my brother for a minute, but then thought, it's really none of my business who he is friends with and it was so long ago. i'm begining to think that hanging on to his image or memory or whatever it is somehow helps me feel worthy or alive in some sick way. and that would be so dumb or, it would mean i'm not happy with my life now.
Wow! I am happy that I found this, now I do not feel like such a mental case. I found a picture of my ex boyfriend from 18 years ago on the internet and cannot stop thinking about him. I only gave him a passing thought for many years but seeing his picture brought back a lot of old feelings. I have his pics saved on my work computer just so I can look at him. He is a succesfull business man and there are a lot of articles on the internet, so I read as many as I can find.I have been married for 11 years now and with my husband for 17. The EX dumped me very cruelly (excuse my spelling) and it was really horrible for me, so he does not deserve my attention, but I cannot help myself!My marriage is not a easy one by any means and we have had a lot of problems lately, so I think I am projecting old emotions so I do not have to deal with my current relationship. I feel like my marriage is at its end. It makes me feel like I am going through a mid life crisis or something (I am 42)I create fantasies where we see each other again, blah! That was so long ago and our lives went into completely differnet orbits there is no way we have anything in common anymore..I feel silly but cannot help itIn a strange twist in this computer era it does not help that we can find all of this information on the internet, if I never googled him, or if I could never find anything, I do not think it would be this bad.you know, you're totally right about google. the advent of the Internet has brought about many amazing things, but when it didn't exist, it was easier to avoid these kinds of memories. no pictures to find, no futures to find about it. out of sight out of mind really meant something.i also can relate to what you said about projecting. I wonder if in your case it might be that you are projecting the old emotions of the past relationship onto your current marriage (the bad on the good so to speak) and in this way this is preventing you from working through the issues you and your husband are currently facing? I say this because when our old relationship ended, in part it ended because you and your ex weren't willing or able to work through your problems at the time. But, now years later, with the benefit of experience and maturity, you have grown emotionally. However, the fear of failing (like you did in the past) keeps you stuck in the past (it's like going back to default behavior).I actually googled 'How to stop obsessing over an ex' . I was also glad to see I am not totally off my rocker. I have been married 7 years, with my husband for 10 years and have two children.I reconnected briefly with an ex about a year ago and I am spinning out of control. I have not seen him in 25 years, and I have myself convinced that this person is my soul mate. I have a relatively healthy marriage, but lets face it - marriage is tough! My encounter was brief with this person - a couple phone calls and emails. Lasted maybe over the period of one month - one year ago. It has been extremely difficult for me to keep focused and affects me and my family. I seem to be suffering from OCD - at least from what I am gathering through research.I feel like an idiot that I am so fixated on someone in my life from 25 years ago. It's like you start questioning everything in your past: did I marry the wrong person? Am I where I should be? Why did I let him go? Why? Why? Why?All I can say is I am going to try Prozac and see what happens... I am also talking to someone about these crazy thoughts. It is helping slightly...
Ah im so glad i found this i broke up with my boyfriend a week and a half ago and now im obsessed with him for some weird reason. I check his myspace and facebook profile ALL THE TIME like ten times a day i dont know what my problem is. I text him all the time and he finally started responding like two days ago. But once he starts talking to me again and saying he wants me back i feel better and im not obsessed anymore. Maybe im just crazy :/ Im 17 and we were only together for 6 months but i cant get over it. i cried myself to sleep when he wouldnt text or call me back but when he does im completely fine. i need help ugh!
here's a helpful thought- I have had this problem too, and for me, these obsessions usually run about 3-4 years, before I stumble into some new guy that knocks the old one off his pedestal.I look back at the guy I was obsessed with in high school, and I'm so angry at myself for wasting that time, for not just using the time I wasted contemplating his stupid ass to make friends, to find out more about my own interests, to plan for the future.I was so scared that he was the best thing I'd ever have, that I"d never find another guy like him, and so on and so forth.But 8 years out, he was a creepy loser. I'm not at all attracted to him now.The same thing happened to me my second year of college, and again, I wasted years of my life wondering why I wasn't good enough for him, and agonizing over the break up.Finally, here I am, on my third major obsession. it still sucks, but one thing that really helps me is to reflect on the past losers I was obsessed with, and to know that, this too, shall pass.4 year from now, I won't care about this current guy anymore, as difficult as it is for me to see it now.not sure what the time-span is for most of you, but if this is your first obsession, trust me, it won't be your last. you think this current guy is the best thing since sliced bread, but he's not. you'll find someone else. especially if you're a teenager, try to focus on discovering who you are, what you want out of life, what career interests you want to develop.I know it's hard, but seriously, I'm like you, 10 years from now. the ghost of christmas future sez: he doesn't matter. you're not going to die alone. it will all be okay.4 years is too long!! ='(I think this left me a little more depressedFor me it's about 2 years per obsession. I'm a year and a half into my latest one and I can only hope it doesn't surpass the two years.
I visited Dr. Robert's website/This is a beautiful website with lots of great information about life and love.Well worth a visit
Yes!!! So glad I'm not alone!
hi i too feel that i am obsessed with my ex boyfriend but i no longer want to be..every time i try to move on he always comes back into my life somehow and its so hard to move on when hes constantly sweet talking me .i hardly see him ever now and i hardly talk to him only when i do but those few times that i do he always manages to get back into my heart. he was my first love also the first person i gave it up to and no matter how hard i try i always believe him when he tells me he still cares about me and that he loves me. i dont know what to do.. he was my first boyfriend ever too im sixteen years old we went out for about almost two years the last year on and off.. and right now he has been having a girlfriend for about two months. but hes been cheating on her with me thru their whole relationship..he has mentioned to his gf that he loves her and deep inside that really hurts me because i dont know i dont want him to because hes still messing with me so how could that possibly be true? hes always telling me that ov course he still loves me and i found it bull$%&*@$%& so i started seeing someone else and when he found out that he might lose me forever he came looking for me begging to not be with him he told me he would leave his girlfriend for me because i meant so much more to him then her but in the end that never happened..why hasnt he left her? if hes cheating we continued to still talk and mess around sometimes after that..but one day i got so mad at him and i just told his girlfriend about all the cheating and stuff we had been doing.she didnt leave him and it makes me really depressed because i feel like they are going to last much longer then we did..i mean she did care but i guess she really likes him a lot because ive told her three times now and he still continued to cheat after each time i told her but she never left him at all..and i dont understand im really depressed why. i ask why is he still with her if hes doing this..i dont know if he does love me i wish he did but there must be something about her i mean he hasnt left her for me at all and shes way uglier then i am, :( this too makes me sad .Honey, I hate to tell you. He's playing you and her. He's having his cake and eating it to. Your beng silly and naive. I know you can't be that desperate for a man. That you are allowing him to cheat on his grilfriend with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. I know it hurts to have him with another woman. However, I am sure it hurts more each time you give your body to him. Only to have him go right back to the other woman. Please realize it has nothing to do with what you aren't doing for him. He's a jerk. The longer you keep dealing with him. The more angry and sad you will become.You said she doesn't better then you, lol. I wish woman would learn that not every man cheats with drop dead model looking women. Her looks don't mean anything. Even if she was better looking then you. Would that make it better? I am sure it wouldn't. Find someone who wants to be with just you. If you keep seeing him, then you deserve what he does to you. He doesn't really want you anymore. If he did you would have him all to yourself. You shouldn't have to share a man with someone else. I think your lacking self-esteem. Once you get some, I can assure you that you will not even want him. That's because you will realize you deserve much better. Stop saying you can't understand why he hasn't left her for you, even though he said he would. That's because he's not that into you anymore. Just because he doesn't want you with anyone else. Doesn't mean he wants to be with you. What I don't understand is why you don't see how crazy you look by continuing to be with this DOG. Move on with your life. I know it wont be easy. However, like so many other people who have had their heart broken. It will take time to get over him. Trust me you can and you will. Thank God you guys don't have kids with one another.
I also googled I am obessed with my ex boyfriend. Eight years ago I had a very intense like six month relationship. We broke up because I am a crazy heartless person and he deserved better. Since the moment I knew he I wasnt coming back I have been going crazy. At first I went into a deep depression, tried to kill myself and everything. Then I tired to move on , but it always comes back to him. He has made it very clear to me he wants NOTHING to do with me. I spent years calling, texting, emailing. Doing everything I could do get him back. My heart is broken. I am now married, and I still write him emails when I cant control the obsession. He doesnt reply, of course. I know what I am doing is wrong, and I know that its not right to treat him like this. He is with someone new, and really, honestly just wants me to leave him alone. Its not even that I want him back, I just want, i dont know, something. Forgiveness maybe? I get in phases where I spend hours trying to find out contact infomation for him. He undirectly has destoryed many of my past relationships. I still cry over him. EIGHT YEARS LATER. He never once took me back. My obession has a chance of ruining my marriage if I dont get in under control. I am married to amazing guy, who loves me more than anything, what do I do? I just want it to stop.im glad i am not alone i feel the same way but how do u get over it?
I am in a somewhat similar situation. I met a guy online a few years ago and we started talking on the phone. We exchanged pictures and we talked many times a week for hours at a time, for about a year and a half - he called me ALL the time. We never met in person but we could have and I should have taken initiative to meet him when I had the chance but didn't. I am sooo mad at myself for not meeting him when i had the chance. I am filled with this awful regret of missing the opportunity when it arose.He started becoming distant about a year and a half ago and at the same time I think I started becoming clingy and pushing him further away- maybe by the tone in my voice when we talked and what i said in my text messages to him. Or maybe he just moved on because he didnt think it was going anywhere. IDK..Anyway, the problem is i thought he could be the one and STILL do and I am obsessed with this idea. Its terrible because I know it isn't going to happen. He hasnt called me in over a year. He is probably married or something by now but I have no clue. its like he dropped off the earth. I tried calling a couple times since but i feel like a fool when I do and dont hear back from him. Ive managed to resist contacting him except for a few times in the past year since he last called me.Finally, about a month ago, I left one last message that went something like, "what happened to you??".. and then deleted his number. I could still find him on facebook if I wanted to contact him. I know thats the worst thing i could do. I have a boyfriend now but I am absolutly obsessed with this other guy. I think about him all day, every day... I dream about him and it makes me more obsessed. I keep praying that he will try to contact me but I know in my heart that he wont. I just want him out of my head! I feel like i am going crazy because I havent even ever met this guy, and he hasnt called in over a year. its like I am obsessed with the idea of him or something.. I know this isnt normal and I know i am being unreasonable it is just that this is driving me absolutly BONKERS!
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